Rants ‘n Raves by a Nuyorican Who Calls Herself Bennie

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Cityscape Dreams

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Cityscape Dreams

b.p. beretta

2005

As I stand here looking at autumns last yawn

I am uncertain

I’ve been here before

Perhaps in a dream…

I close my eyes and remember.

Listening to the water splashing

On the water’s edge

It’s quiet otherwise.

The sun dances on the tranquil waters

Emitting sparkling lights

It is indeed beautiful.

 

It’s not that I don’t like where I am now

But there is a force that beckons me

To go back to the city of glass and steel

I continue on this journey

Until I grow tired and so I must rest…

 

Do I belong here?

Each day I grow weary.

I’ve been away for too long..

And I’ve become restless.

It is peaceful here among the silence

But it’s not mi barrio…

 

As a child I always wanted to live in the woods

Away from the maddening crowd.

Sitting on the fire escape

Overlooking the dirty alley ways

Smelling the stench of the unclaimed garbage..

Would cause me to daydream and imagine

A field of wild flowers and aromas

So strong that it would fill my senses

With forget-me-not dreams…

 

But as I stand here, feeling the emptiness..

Something is missing and I can’t shake this feeling

That I need to be in another place.

Perhaps it’s because I don’t have my youth anymore

And the peacefulness and solitude reminds me of

The hereafter, the journey to the other side.

 

The last time I was in the city I felt alive again among

It’s people.  Perhaps it was because the city never sleeps

And so it postpones the inevitable and so I’m not afraid

Of closing my eyes wondering if I will open them again.

 

Drifting into a whirling darkness of dreams….

I walk the streets until I come to the subway.

There’s no one except for this formless person sleeping on the bench.

I hear the train in the distance and it gets louder and louder..

It stops and I continue with my journey…

 

Looking around me there are buildings everywhere

Buildings that have been here since I was a little girl.

Everywhere I turn I’m reminded of a time when I was a free spirit, a hippie

Looking back I was one of the lucky ones.  If it wasn’t for my fatherless child growing inside me who knows what would have happened to me.

Being a single mom saved my life…

For awhile…

 

On these streets I spent countless days and nights partying with the best of them…While my parents stood awake all night worrying if

their only child will come back…In one piece.

It’s a miracle I did…. I guess we all have our guardian angels.   Perhaps it was my Abuelita…my grandmother.

 

Now as I walk past the garbage and graffiti…

I become sad…. It has become a ghost town…

Except for the faint sounds coming out of the vacant buildings,

And the laughter of people who do not know of anything else…

Did I really think that going back to my past would?

Make me happy again?   I don’t know…I can’t tell.  In a strange

Way maybe it did.

 

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Written by Benilda Pacheco Beretta

January 2, 2012 at 2:14 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

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